Things you should know about relationships before you hook up, move in together, or fully commit.

In my counseling practice, I have seen two distinct patterns in relationships:

• Mentally healthy, well-adjusted individuals will gravitate toward someone with similar personality traits and values.  While they may have some challenges in their relationships, they often can resolve their differences relatively quickly and effectively.  Such people are generally opent to working with a therapist and willing to change.

• Mentally unhealthy individuals, often raised in an unstable environment, will likely repeat the same dysfunctional patters they were raised in.  For example, a woman who has grown up with an alcoholic father may be attracted to an alcoholic partner because these behavioral traits are familiar to her.  Unhappy couples, in most cases I see, are coming to counseling to work through emotional and verbal abuse which is often camouflaged in our initial session as "we have trouble communicating together."

Before committing to a relationship, here are a few things to consider about your new partner:

-is my new partner sensitive to my needs, wants and goals?

-is my new partner able to apologize?

-does my new partner punish me when they are upset by ignoring your or withholding affection? 

-does my new partner call me names like stupid, fat or ugly?

-does my new partner show compassion to strangers, animals or employees whether it be at a restaurant or the workplace?

-does my new partner feel I am too sensitive and needy?

-does my new partner disclose personal information about me to other people?

*If you can answer "yes" to one or more of these questions, you are likely entering into an abusive relationship.  Before moving in or   acccepting a marriage proposal, ask yourself these questions:

-is my new partner welcoming and accepting of my family and friends, encouraging me to spend time with them?

-is my new partner taking on appropriate financial obligation for our expenses?

-is my new partner tracking my location and micromanaging me? 

-is my new partner willing to share household chores and responsibilities? 

-how does my new partner handle conflict?  can we talk through things or are our disagreements contentious?

-does my new partner try to isolate me from others?

-is my partner sexual for themselves and not for me also?

I have had the privilege of working with all sorts of partnerships.  In my book, Elephants Don't Marry Giraffes, I have addressed common themes and concerns I have worked with over the years.  Please connect with me at deniseschonwald.com to learn more.