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DIRECTORY
 
Christy   Christy Whitman

Expertise:
New York Times Bestselling Author, Creator of the Enlightened Kid Program, Life Coach, Transformational Leader, CEO and founder of Quantum Success Coaching AcademyTM

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Text Message for Max

Just days after this picture was taken and days before my 40th birthday (11/19/2010) daddy and I took you and Alex to the doctor for your monthly check up. Alex had turned 18 months on the 16th and you had just turned 2 months on the 17th. Dr. Katz, your pediatrician, first examined Alex and gave him his shots. He then examined you and asked us to take you to the emergency room at Montreal Children’s Hospital because he felt you looked a little too blue for his liking.

On your two-week checkup he also sent me there, but that time it was to visit the Dermatologist. He felt your nose looked blue. I had taken you there, but the doctor and two others that examined you felt it was nothing major. I asked her point blank “Is this life or death?” She told me “No, this is more of a cosmetic issue.” I thought you are barely one month old, I am not going to worry about any cosmetic thing for you. I have a new born and a 16 month old and running a business. We don’t have time to worry about something cosmetic. We are in survival mode at our house. So we did not do anything to follow up with your blue nose.

As we waited for you to give us the paperwork to take with us to the emergency room, Alex was still upset because he received a shot. Dr. Katz gave him a small toy dump truck, which later became his favorite toy.

TEXT MESSAGE SENT TO REBECCA, DAWN AND EVELYN: Please say a prayer. Max has 2 go 2 hospital. Docs suggestion. ( I needed the prayers to start).

TEXT MESSAGE SENT TO GRANDPA: Tell mom all is well. (I didn’t want to worry grandma, because we did not know what was happening.)

We arrived at the Children’s hospital and they immediately took you into the triage room, and within seconds the nurses took you right into the observation room. Within minutes you had ten doctors and nurses surrounding you. Then they put an oxygen mask on you. They were poking you with needles to test your blood. They were taking your vital signs. I was wondering what the hell was happening. I was observing this as I was still holding Alex in my arms and trying to entertain him. I was giving him butterfly kisses and trying to make him laugh so that he was not scared. Daddy was by your side and witnessing all of this while I was taking care of Alex.

Someone finally said to me, “I think you should have someone pick up your son so he doesn’t see everything.” I called Francine (“Nana”) and she was not home. I called Kendra and she was unable to come because she had clients. I then called grandmamma. She was minutes away because she worked near the hospital.

“Mom. It’s Christy. We are at the Children’s Hospital.”
“What do you need?”
“I need you to come to the hospital, pick up Alex and take him to our house.”
“I will be right there.”

We hung up and I just waited patiently for her to arrive. She was there in minutes. Alex was to be taken back to the house, and Nana was going to meet her there. I did not want anything out of the ordinary for Alex on this particular day. I wanted him to be in his own crib when he took a nap and went to sleep. I wanted him to be with the person he sees all the time and that was Nana. I wanted him to feel secure and that everything was okay for him.

With Alex taken care of, I was able to now be by your side full time. You were looking at me with those amazing eyes and crying and crying. I just sat by your head. Your face was purple from crying so much.

Over the last month you were turning purple when you cried. We were calling you an umpaloompa. I even went on line and youtubed the umpalompas so I could show daddy. We were singing the song, even Alex. Who knew you were struggling to breathe? You always went back to normal color. We just thought you had a bad temper. ? We also thought you were born with a great tan. You had the skin color of both daddy and myself, an olive completion.

We had this Cardiologist, Dr. Beland that was so wonderful. She was asking me if you slept a lot. And I was proud to tell her “Yes. He is a great sleeper. He has been sleeping through the night.” She told me, “You know . . . that is not normal.”

What did we know? We were excited to be getting six hours of sleep in a row. We did not think to question it. We were in survival mode. You were only two months old.

While daddy was helping Grandmama with Alex’s car seat they decided to take you up to ICU. I went there alone waiting for daddy to come. They were doing tests on your heart with an ultrasound which they call an Echo.

Because you were so tiny, they were having a difficult time finding a vein to put in the pick line. They finally shaved the side of your head and put a pick line there. It was covered by a plastic cup cut in half. It was very strange to see you this way.

After waiting for them to do all these exams on you, standing next to you in total shock Dr. Beland finally pulled us into a room. She very clearly, slowly and compassionately drew us a diagram of a regular heart and described how it worked. She then drew a picture of your heart. (see diagram) She explained that you had a Transposition of The Great Arteries and that you needed to have surgery.

What? How is this happening to my two month old baby? I sat there wide eyed with my mouth open. Tears started to flow down my face. The tissue in that room and at the hospital felt like sandpaper. My nose was already getting dry from just seconds of crying.

She then explained to us that you have a small hole in your heart, and a valve that is typically gone when a baby is a week or two old. This valve and the small hole was your life line, especially the valve. You really had a strong desire to be here because even though you were blue and struggling you decided to stay in your body. You were choosing to be in your body and to be with us so strongly that you kept the valve, which I later found out was supposed to close at the first breath of a baby. You had it for two months and that, with very little help from the small hole, what was keeping you alive. You were a true miracle.

She explained that you needed to have a procedure right away to open up that small hole so that you could start breathing better. She then explained that you were old and considered at risk at two months old to have this surgery. Most babies that have this condition are within the first two weeks. Dr. Katz later explained to me that most of these cases are scheduled at the time of birth, because they can see that on the ultrasound. Your ultrasound never detected this condition.

The surgical team were concerned that if they did the surgery to switch the arteries, that your left side would not pump properly because it hasn’t had to. They were thinking of training your heart before the big surgery. So we were looking at a procedure right away to go into your artery in your leg with a catheter that had a balloon on the end so that you could then have your one, possibly two heart surgeries. This procedure would allow better flow of the mixture of the blood.

She then explained to us that the surgeon at that hospital had just left for a conference and that they had to move you over to Saint Justine to have the surgery. She assured us that you would get the best care over there. Daddy was happy to hear that because he knew that to be one of the best children’s hospitals in all of North America. He wanted to request that you got transferred there. Knowing that reassured me. It was also one of the many blessings to come.

TEXT MESSAGE SENT TO REBECCA, DAWN AND EVELYN: Needs heart surgery

Your Ambulance Ride

So here comes the preparation for the ambulance ride. They put your tiny little body in a plexy glass box with the oxygen tube on your face. They strapped you down securely and a team of paramedics started to wheel you through the hospital halls. The look on all the staff was nothing but total compassion. Daddy and I walked hand in hand with our heads down following behind you being wheeled out to the ambulance.

As we were walking through the main hospital halls, we saw the reaction as women and children watched your body be wheeled away. The look on their faces was shock and aw. We both felt the same way. It was that moment that it really sunk into a shocked mind that it was really serious. Neither one of us typically didn’t have people looking at us with such pity in their eyes. We did not like it.

Daddy took the car and I rode in the front of the ambulance. Daddy tried to follow the ambulance but lost it after the first set of lights, because the ambulance had put on the lights and sound.

I got into the ambulance and the driver had such compassionate eyes and said to me “Just have faith.” I knew that because you were still here and they caught it on time, it would be okay. I would hold no other vision. With the work that I do, I knew how important it was to stay positive and only focus on what I wanted to create from this situation. That was a top priority for both daddy and myself to really apply the universal laws and faith to this situation. It is times like this that you need to put into practice what you believe and what you know. I was grateful I had the knowledge I had to get me through this situation.

I was in total shock the entire ride to the other hospital. All I remember was that each light the driver put on the noise and sound, which Alex at that time was saying “Weeoooww wweeeooow” every time he saw an ambulance or fire truck. At one light the driver went through and we almost t-boned him. I was grateful that the ambulance driver was such a good driver with such great reflexes.

We arrived at the hospital and went right up to ICU. I followed behind your body. I was greeted immediately by a social worker named Heidi. Thank God for Heidi. She spoke English, which was not a problem at the Montreal Children’s Hospital but later turned out to be a challenge at Saint Justine. Heidi said to me “This must be a total shock to you.” I just started to cry. More sandpaper tissue on my already chapped nose.

Heidi was a God send. She took me down to the emergency room admittance and thank God she did. The attendant did not speak ANY English, so she had to translate. They also did not have the proper communication from the hospitals and we were standing there for what seemed like eternity. Finally we got that situated. I went outside to wait for daddy before going on. He still was not there, because there was traffic and he did not have the lights and sounds of the ambulance to get him there. Your dad is the most patient man on the planet. He really was my rock during this whole experience.

While I was waiting for daddy to arrive. I received a phone call from Dr. Katz. He was concerned and had already been made up to speed from Dr. Beland at the other hospital. He assured me that I was in good hands and that you had everything stacked in your favor. He also told me that these type of procedures have come along way in the last ten years. That helped me feel a little better, because little did I know in this moment, I was in great fear because of past experiences. In my work I always talk about how important it is to connect with your feelings. Your feelings are your guide. I was so much in shock that I could not feel my feelings at this point. I had no guide. Relying on other people’s words of wisdom really was my voice of reason. Dr. Katz was of great comfort to me.

I did feel blessed to have all these angels around me to help me handle this situation. All I could do was to keep counting the blessings.

Daddy arrived and I felt like I was safe. Heidi, daddy and I went into the second admittance room and again none of them spoke English. Daddy and Heidi were talking in French and I was just lost. I just stared off at the walls covered in a mural of children playing in complete shock. I wanted to get back upstairs to see you. I just heard noise all around me.

Heidi brought us back upstairs to the ICU and we waited with her in a room. They were doing tests on you to determine their own diagnosis. Heidi was very calming. We were both in such shock. It seemed like an eternity before we could go in and see you.

The doctors at Saint Justine came up with the same diagnosis as the Children’s hospital and decided you needed your first procedure that night. We were supposed to be going out on a date that night because daddy bought tickets to a show for my birthday. Nana was going to baby sit. This changed our plans.

Daddy and I just sat around and waited. We discussed how strong you were and that you did not fight this long and hard to end it all now. We knew that you would be coming home. There was no other vision that we were going to hold. We were grateful they figured out what was wrong with you and that you were going to get great care. We decided to write out a list of all the blessings to be grateful for while you were in your procedure.

1. It was a miracle you were alive.
2. We had a competent doctor to detect something was wrong.
3. I was a responsible mom and kept your and Alex’s regular doctor chekups.
4. You were receiving the best possible care at one of the top Children’s hospitals in North America.
5. Because we were in Canada and they have socialized medicine, we did not have to pay a penny. This type of things wipes out most families in the US.
6. We had the support of family and Nana to help with Alex.
7. We had so many people sending you love and light and praying for you.
8. We had each other.
9. Both of us had flexible jobs and could be there for both you and Alex.
10. We had reliable transportation to get back and forth to the hospital.
11. We had the money for gas to get back and forth from the hospital.
12. We were only 40 minutes away without traffic.
13. Gifts of change in perspective. It was my 40th birthday and the only gift that mattered was your heath.
14. Alex and Elmo raising our vibration every morning.
15. Daddy was patient to translate from French to English.

Both Grandpas wanted to know who was to blame for this situation. We knew that type of thinking was not going to help you or ourselves. We just focused on what needed to be done to heal you. This included praying for you and having everyone we knew pray for you. We held the future vision of you being back home and playing with Alex. My mantra was that I just want all three of my men back home and in the same room.

We both know that it is not so much what happens in our lives, but how we react to what happens that determines the life we create. It is where you focus your energy and attention. Because we stayed in a positive place we were in pure inspiration to create the program.

We had been inspired to create our Enlightened Kid Program because of you and your scheduled baptism. A week before we went and met with the priest at the Catholic Church where you were going to be baptized the day after Christmas. The priest talked about how important it is to start children off right away with their education of spirituality and religion. He was explaining that children that don’t have this development before they are twelve, typically don’t have a good spiritual connection when they are adults. I knew this to be true of many people that I knew.

I started thinking that night about people like myself that are a mom and who believe in spirituality and metaphysics. I got into bed that night and I had an idea, almost like a download of information and I jumped out of bed and practically ran down the stairs to tell daddy. I explained that there are no programs out there for people like us who want to teach our children from an early age about the universal laws, abundance and empowerment. We had started to talk about the program, but waiting in the ICU gave us something to focus on. Again, we wanted to focus on good things and only good thoughts.

For us it wasn’t a choice. We were not going to sit around and feel sorry for ourselves. We decided to get creative instead. We waited and discussed the program and came up with the company name: FCAM Enterprises, Inc. This stood for Frederic, Christy, Alex and Maxim.

I was still breastfeeding because you were only two months old, and my breasts were getting engorged, because I hadn’t fed you since the morning. It did not occur to me to ask them for a pump. So I went into the bathroom and squeezed my breasts and let the milk squirt into the sink just to have some relief.

After hours of waiting, we finally received notification from the doctors that the procedure was a success. And then they wanted to slow things down.

Your Recovery From The Procedure

TEXT MESSAGE TO REBECCA, DAWN AND EVELYN: First procedure was successful. Max may only need one other surgery. Will keep you posted. Thank you for the prayers. They are working.

We saw you after the procedure and you were just out because they had you sedated. There was no place for us to sleep and you were in good hands, so we went home. We hadn’t seen Alex since the morning with Grandmama took him at the first hospital. It was now 11pm. We had to get home and let Grandmama go home.

We walked in the door and Grandmama just hugged me. I lost it and just started bawling in her arms. I was still in such shock of what was happening to you. Daddy then hugged her and I have never seen him hug anyone like that before. He really needed that hug from his mom.

The next morning (Saturday) I woke up early and thought, “Thank God it was just a bad dream.” Then reality set in that it was really happening. I went into your room and it was just eerie. You were not in your crib and the beautiful room that was created especially for you. There was a great emptiness in my heart.

I was able to wake up with Alex and give him his morning “lait”. That was our ritual. You would wake up first and I would feed you. Then Alex would wake up and I would put you in your crib sideways so you could look at us. I would then have Alex on my lap with this “deaux deaux” (his blanket) and his “lait” (milk). We would both look over at you and you would look at us. This morning I looked over at the crib and you were not there. My heart just sank.

Then Alex looked over at the crib and motioned with his hand, pointing his finger. He then looked at me and shrugged his shoulders as to ask “Where is Max”. He called you “Maaa”. I had to explain to him that you were at the hospital and that you were going to be staying there for awhile, but you would be back as soon as possible. He would be kissing his little brother again in no time. I’m not sure what he understood about that, but we always talked to both of you about everything as if you could understand. He was only eighteen months at the time.

During this time, Alex was continuously watching his Elmo’s Greatest Hits DVD, which really took our minds off of the situation for a little bit. He was so into Elmo and wanted to watch this DVD over and over that we started to learn the songs and were singing to them. That did lift our spirits a little. Hearing his laughter and him wanting us to dance with us put our focus on feeling good and raised our vibration. We needed those moments of pure joy to be able to connect with our inner being so we had the strength to bring you positive energy at the hospital.

Grandmama came back that morning and I couldn’t wait to go to the hospital and see you and get the news about your procedure. She was later then expected and we were both anxious. We were literally waiting on the stairs with our coats and shoes on ready to go when she arrived.

We finally got to the hospital and they told us that they were going to now slow things down. You needed to recoup not only from the procedure, but because you had two months of struggling to breathe. It was like you were running a marathon every day without taking a break. They needed to have you rest for ten to fourteen days to get you ready for the main heart surgery. So we started to wait.

They followed you so closely. If you sneezed they wrote it down. Everything was monitored and documented. You now had an oxygen tube up your nose as well as a feeding tube. You had IVs and pick lines all over your body. Because you were so tiny they tried several places to put in the pick lines. You had markings all over your body. You had monitors all over you. It was hard to find a place to touch and kiss you.

You were so thin that your skin was hanging off of your body. You looked like an old man without any muscle tone. They needed you to not only recover, but gain some weight before the main surgery.

Even though you were so sedated, you did grab my finger and that felt so good. During this entire experience we looked for milestones to keep us going. That was one.

Because our focus was having you back home healthy, we would discuss all the next steps. Next would be the surgery. Then ICU for a week. Then in another ward for a few days. Then home.

I was not able to breast feed you or even hold you. I missed you so much. You were a part of my body for nine months. You were still more energy than matter. I was your main source of food and we were so compatible with the breast feeding. I loved to feed you. Because I had my business, I was home every day with you and Alex. Even if I was working, Nana was there and I was always close. I would come down between clients and classes and feed you and play with Alex.

TEXT MESSAGE TO REBECCA, DAWN, AND EVELYN: He looks good. They are just letting him rest today. Still not sure when surgery will be. He grabbed my finger today.

I started to look around the ICU and noticed the other babies in the room with you. There was one little baby right next to you. I noticed the parents there. There was another baby in front of you and it seemed this baby was not doing too well.

We spoke with the parents of the baby next to you and found out that he had been there for five months. This was NOT going to be our experience. We knew we would have you home soon. We continued to practice holding the vision of what we wanted; you home quickly in total well-being.

The whole experience for me was difficult enough, but to make it a little more challenging, no one could speak English. Daddy had to translate everything that the nurses were telling him. I had to hear things being described to daddy and then he had to translate everything to me. What a patient man.

I did have to laugh because daddy would be talking with the nurse for a good five minutes and then turn to me and say, “So they took out his one tube and are giving him this type of medication.” That was it. He paraphrased the conversation.

It was a good lesson for me in letting go of control and learning to allow and trust. I had to sit back and allow myself to let Daddy handle everything. It felt very foreign and uncomfortable to me, but also freeing at the same time. I had been writing a book with Rebecca on being an Empowered Female and I took the advice that we gave in the book so that I was in allowing and not controlling or in resistance.

I really started to detach and disconnect, which was necessary for my emotional well-being during this time. The pain of having you go through this was too much for me to experience. I really let my mind focus on all the good things in my life. It was my escape and let me have moments of feeling good throughout this experience.

That entire week was very hard on both daddy and me. And it got even harder. On Monday it was my 40th birthday. That was the least of my focus and attention. Daddy had a cake and candles for me when we got home. We were trying to get home before Alex went to bed so he could have some time with us as well. He helped me blow out the candles. (insert picture here).

I have always appreciated the finer things in life and loved receiving birthday gifts. This was so insignificant to me now. Nothing was more important that you having your life and perfect health. There was nothing that could not be cancelled in my business or that would be more important than you or my family.

After the birthday cake and putting Alex to bed, daddy had a disagreement with Grandmama which added to the stress that we were both feeling. We both felt very strong that no one else would see you until you were on your way to healing. We wanted you to have only positive energy around you and to be free of fear and worry. She would no longer be helping us take care of Alex so we had to figure out what to do. We had Nana to take care of Alex during the day during the week. But what were we going to do during the weekend? The worst part about all of this was that we were waiting for you to have your surgery, not knowing when or how it would go. That was constantly on our minds.

They were pleased with your recovery and how you took to the first procedure. But then, they discovered that you had an infection in your urine. You had to take antibiotics and this would lengthen the time before they could proceed with the surgery.

TEXT MESSAGE TO REBECCA, DAWN, EVELYN, KENDRA, UNCLE RON, RONNIE: Max update: He has infection in urine. Doing tests to c if anywhere else. If not, they will do surgery a week from Thurs. If yes, it will be 2 surgeries. He looks good.

They had discovered an infection in your urine and had to put you on antibiotics. They had to test your blood to see if it was other placed. This would determine if they had to prolong giving you the surgery. If you had it other places they might have to do the other surgery on you to prepare your heart because it was going to be longer than expected. Nana used to work in a children’s hospital and told us that it was probably only in the urine, because they did have a catheter. That does happen from time to time. Having her with us through this experience gave us both great relief. Turns out it was only in your urine. Big sigh of relief.

Each day you were getting better, and we were told that it looked like you did not have to have two surgeries, because your heart was responding really well. You would just have the main one to switch your arteries. We were very happy. Your heart was pumping properly and did not have to be trained. And still we waited.

On Thursday daddy was having a hard day (we would switch off) and he got so frustrated and angry (as angry as daddy can get) and he just wanted you to have your surgery. We had waited long enough and you were doing better than expected.
“Enough waiting all ready. Let’s get going.”
His huge emotional reaction and clarity that he wanted things to start moving along, shifted something.

Text Message to Dawn, Rebecca, Evelyn, Uncle Ron, Cousin Ron, and Grandpa: He may have surgery sooner because he is doing so well.

We had a meeting with the hospital coordinator, Isabella. She could understand a little English, but could not speak. I could understand a little French, but could not speak. Daddy had to translate the entire meeting. She showed us pictures (see attached) and explained what to expect during and after the surgery. She gave us an estimate of how long you would be in the hospital and what the steps were. After ICU, you would be moved to another room and would be there for a few days. At that point one of us could stay with you, because there would be a bed in your room (This later proved to not be the case). Then finally, we could take you home.

Daddy asked the major question that most men ask of their sons, “Can you he play sports.” He was happy to hear that you could.

Your Surgery (11/26/10) Your Re-Birth

Friday morning after I came back with Alex from the gym (we went to the gym three days a week to work out with Kendra). I needed that time for myself or else I would go crazy. Alex needed that time to play at the gym with the other kids and keep some type of normal life for him. Daddy greeted me saying “you are right on time. We got a call from the hospital and they want to do the surgery today.”

“Today!”
“Yes, and we need to get there as soon as possible if we want to see him.”
“Call Francine and get her here.”
“I already did. She is on her way.”

Francine came as soon as she could. We jumped in the car. It was a very quiet ride to the hospital. We made record time.

Text Message to everyone: Please pray. Max is going into surgery right now. Good news.

We went right up to the ICU and the anesthesiologist met us there. We were also able to meet Dr. Vobecky the surgeon that was going to operate on you. I asked her to take care of my baby and she replied, “When he is on my table, he is my baby.” That made me feel happy that she was going to treat you as her own, but also a little uneasy because you were my baby. You had already been given the anesthesia, but we were able to go and see you.

We had to put on a robe, slippers, a mask and a hair net because everything in the operating room was sterile. We were able to touch you, but we could not kiss you. We were both in total shock and running on pure adrenaline because of the sudden news that you were to be operated on that morning.

As we walked through the halls of the section of the hospital where you were to be operated on, we were both just silent. That walk from the doorway of the surgery room to your body was only about ten feet, but it seemed like it took forever to reach your body. We walked into the OR and saw your tiny little body laying on this big operating table. You were out cold. There were machines everywhere. You had markings on your chest of where they were going to do the incision for your surgery. I couldn’t believe that my two month old baby was going to be cut open. This was another big shocking moment for us.

Daddy was able to say things to you. He told you how much we both love you and that you had so many people praying for you. He told you how strong you were and that you would get through this and be back home in no time. He was able to say all the things that I wanted him to say to you. No matter what I did, I couldn’t move my mouth and make words come out. I think for the first time in my life, I was completely speechless. I was beyond in shock. All I could do was touch you and telepathically tell you that I loved you.

They suggested to us that we go home, because it wouldn’t do any of us any good if we stayed. They encouraged us to go home and be with our other son. So we did.

We drove home and decided to be with Alex and send you good energy. We put up our Christmas tree that day and spent time just the three of us.

You had everybody praying for you and setting masses at many denominational churches around the world. We had people sending you Reiki and all sorts of different types of healings. People were lighting candles for you (insert the emails from coaches).

So we stayed at home and sent you love and light during your surgery. We waited and waited for the phone call that we could go and see you.

If you want to learn more about the surgery that you went through, you can go to YouTube and see a descriptive video. Daddy found this days after your surgery and when I viewed it, I just broke down because of what you had gone through. By the time you actually read this there may be something even more advanced than YouTube where you can watch the surgery.

We waited until we received the call. We would be able to see you in one hour. We called Francine to come back over, jumped in the car and rushed to the hospital.

Text message to everyone: He is finished and back in ICU. We will C him within the hour. Sounds like everything went ok. Will c the surgeon soon.

When we arrived back at the ICU, you were totally out. You had no place on your body where I could kiss you. All I could do was hold your hand. You had a monitor for your oxyen levels that was wrapped around your one hand and was lit up by a red light. There were tubes and IVs coming out of everywhere. They even had a monitor on your forehead. They had your hands tied down with cardboard so you wouldn’t move your hands. Literally there was no place on your body that I could kiss. I couldn’t believe what was happening to my baby.

Your sternum was still opened and you had a sign above your bed “Sternum Ouvert.” No one could move you, because it was still open. It would be another milestone when they closed it.

Text message to everyone: We saw the surgeon and everything went great. We saw him n he looks good. It is now up to God and Max. Love u!

The household still needed to be run between getting Alex his food and milk at the grocery store, to doing the laundry, finding something to eat. Oh yea and running my business. Thank God I set up my business where I did not have to be present to still make money. I was able to take off a month doing just the bare minimum, while Evelyn taught the classes for the QSCA. Rebecca and Daniele our editor finished up the book Alpha bitch because we had a deadline to submit to the publisher. Everything else was cancelled or postponed. I really felt so blessed to have the support team around me.

While you were in ICU we would stay home with Alex until about 11am, because we were getting to the hospital early in the morning but were sitting around waiting for the doctors to do their rounds and procedures on either you or the other babies in the ICU. When the doctors were in the ICU, the parents were not allowed. So we decided within the first couple of weeks to stay home with Alex and then go and see you in the afternoon. We would try to rush home, stuck in two hour traffic just so we could be home to put Alex to bed. Some nights the traffic was worse than others. It was around Christmas time, so the traffic was even more congested than normal. There were some nights that we felt we were going to go crazy sitting in the car. We were between our two boys and wanted to be with you both.

We would get our rest to do this all again the next day. We would grab lunch together so at least daddy and I were together.

Things changed when you went into the ward. You did not have a dedicated nurse just to you. You relied on us more than the nurses at this point. You shared a room with another little boy a month old who also had heart issues. His mom was 18 years old and only spoke French and Spanish. We could not communicate. That was one of the hardest things is that there are other mothers that were going through the similar process but I couldn’t talk to them because they did not speak English. For two weeks you were next to a little baby 5 months old named Zachary. He was a preemie and had a series of complications. He was the baby that had been there for 5 months. I wanted to connect with the mom, but it was just too hard because of the language barrier.

Text message to everyone: I am buzzed big time. I needed a stiff drink after the week we had. We r celebrating Maxim’s recovery. Wooo hooo.

Your Recovery Part Deux

Now it was time for you to recover from the surgery. Days after you started to open your eyes, but because your sternum was still open they had to keep you sedated.

That weekend we did not have anyone to watch Alex so we had to take him with us. Because he was so young he was not allowed in the ICU. He had to stay in the waiting area. Daddy and I took turns watching him so we could spend time with you.

Alex was so great for comic relief. He was at a stage where he wanted to clean everything. I had packed a bag full of toys including crayons and a blue ball. He opted to take out a Lysol wipe and clean the chairs and table in the room.

We threw around the blue ball in the room, but he wanted to be out in the hallway. He made some friends in the room that got in on the fun of throwing the ball back and forth.

The next day on Sunday we took Alex to see Santa and then took him with us to the hospital. This time there were way too many people in the waiting room, so we played in the hallway. He then wanted to go into the room. He would stand in the doorway and wave “hi” to everyone. He made us all laugh.

They first closed your sternum on the Monday after surgery, but you had too much swelling on the top of your heart. So they did not close it all the way.

Text message to everyone: Max is doing better than expected. He is recovering nicely.

As I mentioned, most of the nurses spoke French and I could not communicate with them other than to say “Bonjour” and “Comm ent ca va.” (Hello and how are you?”) Daddy had to call each night to see how you were because I just couldn’t get very far with the limited amount of French that I spoke.

This one night as we were leaving, a male nurse spoke English. Not well, but we could understand each other. I thought I would call that night because I knew the nurse could speak a little English.

“Hi. This is Maxim’s mom. I am calling to find out how he is doing.”
Male nurse: “He is doing well. I gave him a muffin.”

I paused because I did not understand. I then asked for clarification.

“You gave him a muffin.”
Male nurse: “Yes.”
After pausing and in a loss of words once again I ended up saying, “How did you give him a muffin? How could he ingest that?”
He laughed and told me. “It is for pain.”
“Oh. Morphine.”
We had a good laugh.

I was so resistant to being in the hospital. I wanted to be with you, but just hated being there. I missed Alex when I was at the hospital and when I was home I missed you. I really felt torn inside. It was challenging just to stay in the moment.

One particular day while you were in the ICU, I went to pump my milk and daddy stayed with you. He really started to bond with you that day. I on the other hand was having a difficult time and started to ask myself why. I didn’t want to stay in resistance, because I knew that would bring me more of what I did not want. I wanted to get back into an accepting space.

When this entire thing happened I kept asking, “Why did I create this?” I truly believe we all create our own realities. I had gotten pretty good at manifesting an amazing life. Why this? Ask and it is given!

While I was pumping my milk, I received the insight I needed to understand why this was created.

I got pregnant in January 2010 while we were in Arizona on a three week vacation. During that time my best friend Dawn’s nephew (also 2 months old) needed to have heart surgery. This scared me to death at the time. Fifteen years prior to that I had worked with a man named Dave that had a son named Reed. Reed was such a little sweetie and we really connected. I had just moved to Sacramento for the job with Pepsi-Cola and did not know a single soul. Dave took me under his wing and introduced me to his little three year old little boy. Reed was born with heart problems and had already had a heart surgery when he was just a baby. Around his four year birthday he had to have another surgery. He did not make it. This happened right at the same time that your aunt Terri committed suicide. So I was in such shock during that time that I did not deal with the feelings that I felt. When Dawn’s nephew, Rocco had to have this surgery it brought back all the terror and fear of the loss of Reed.

It occurred to me as both of my breast were in the suction cups being extracted, that this was the reason I had created this situation. I was so in fear during the same time that your body was being created. Your heart was the first thing that was developed before I even knew I was pregnant. I was so scared for Dawn and her family. I did not realize that medicine had come such a long way in fifteen years with these type of surgeries. Dr. Katz had even said something to me about that, which made me think about you recovering, when Reed did not.

You obviously needed to be a vibrational match to this type of situation, because this was your battle. This was your body and your recovery, but it still was my life and I was being deeply affected too. We co-created this together.

Text message to Evelyn: I am not good today. Another hard damn day. Max is getting his sternum closed today. He is recovering.

They finally closed your sternum on Wednesday, December 1st. That was when you could really just recover with no other procedures, or so we thought.

Each day you got better and better. Now that your sternum was closed we looked for all the other milestones. The next one was waiting for the doctors to take our your oxygen tube and drainage in your thorax.

Text message to everyone: We have cause for celebration. They took out max’s drainage tubes from the thorax and extubated his o2. He is doing great. He was wide awake n moving his mouth.

That day (Thursday, December 2nd, 2010) was very emotional. We walked into the ICU and for the first time I saw your incision. At this point it had been covered with a bandage. They took off the bandage and it hit me that you had a serious operation. I was in such shock up until this point. The shock was wearing off and little things like this were reminders of the severity of what you just went through. I had to leave the room and go into a private bathroom just so I could be alone. Tears streamed down my face. Just when my nose had finally healed from the tissue paper, I got chapped again. I had to pull myself together so I could go and see you.

This was also the day they took out your oxygen tube and drainage from your thorax. And this was also the day that I could hold you in my arms for the first time in two weeks. My little baby was finally allowed to be in my arms.

As the nurse was getting you ready to hand you to me, I sat in a rocking chair with great anticipation. Daddy was watching me and said I was coming out of my skin with excitement and anticipation. The minute the nurse put you in my arms, my heart opened and tears streamed down my face. The first time I held you at birth was an incredible moment. One I will never forget for the rest of my life. But this moment was even more full and overwhelming with emotions. For me it was like a re-birth for you. I held you in my arms until my hand went numb.

Text message to everyone: I was able 2 hold Max. I held him until I couldn’t feel any sensation in my arm. It felt even better than the first time I held him. Today was a good day.

The next day we were on the high of the great news from the day before, and then we had a set back. This whole experience was a roller coaster ride from hell.

Daddy spoke with the doctors in the morning before we left to go see you. You had stopped breathing for a few seconds at 4am and again at 6am. During those episodes, you also stiffened up your arms. They felt it was a seizure and put you on medication. You had to go for some tests to find out if you had any neurological issues because you were not breathing properly for the two months of your life.

Text message to Evelyn: Can you send some healing 2 us and Max. He had some complications.

Text message to Dawn: Did Rocco have any after effects from the surgery? Max stopped breathing for a few seconds a couple of times this am. They are doing tests.

It turned out that there was nothing wrong neurologically, but that was still a tough day for us, especially daddy. We went to lunch at Baton Rouge so I could have a drink at lunch (I wanted a cosmo after all the ups and downs). There was a table with the Canadian Grey Cup. The Montreal Alloutes had one and the general manager and several employees were sitting there.

We had sent Uncle Frank a text and he said to get a picture. While daddy was getting a picture, the guys asked him if he wanted to hold it. Here is the picture of daddy and the Grey cup. Daddy likes to call it “a touch of greatness”.

Hey Frank it’s Fred. We are in Baton Rouge decarie and the Grey cup is on a table. Jim Pop and friends are there. No players.

Frank: Take picture

Here is something that will piss you off even more . . . yesterday same restaurant we saw the ultimate fighter Georges St-Pierre. Tomorrow we may see Carey Price.

We decided that since you were on your way to recovering from the surgery that it was time for the family to see you. Because Aunt Valerie was so amazing and helpful during this entire process and respected our wishes, we had her come to the hospital to see you first.

The very next day Aunt Valerie and Uncle Frank came to visit you in the ICU. Daddy had to stay home that day, because he needed a break. It worked out well because Alex needed someone to stay with him.

The minute Aunt Valerie saw you she just started to cry. Not because she was sad, but because she was so happy that you were there. Uncle Frank needed to leave the room, because it made him emotional seeing you. It reminded him of when his dad had heart surgery. You were just skin and bones. They were both so happy because they were able to hold you in their arms.

You smiled at us and laughed at me for the first time in your life. That was another great day.

The house was really empty without you. We were used to your baby cries. We had got into a routine with putting Alex to bed and then having you fall asleep in my arms. My arms felt so empty. I had to focus on what it would feel like to have you back in my arms.

The house we were living in was created because of you. We were living in a great house with three bedrooms that faced the forest. We had built it and chose everything in that house. It really was our home. When we found out that we were pregnant with you, we decided that it would be best to purchase a bigger home. We found the perfect home where the four of us could create our lives together. It was because of you that we had this beautiful home and not having you in it felt incomplete.

It is funny, we never knew what we were missing before we had you. It is just like before we had Alex. We were enjoying our lives. Once we had Alex we couldn’t imagine life without him. The same was true with you. There was no question in our minds that we wouldn’t have to. You were doing great and well on your way to recovery. Again . . . no other vision but having you home healthy and in well-being.

Text messages to everyone: Max is doing great. He smiled, laughed and made sweet baby sounds. He will b moving out of ICU in the next couple of days.

Monday morning (December 6th) we called to find out how you were before coming to the hospital. They informed us that they moved you out of ICU! This meant that if all went well (and we had no other vision) that you would be home in a few days.

Text message to everyone: Hi! They moved Max out of ICU. He should b home soon if all goes well.

Out of ICU- Another Major Milestone

One more thing to celebrate. One more step until you came home.

Isabella had initially told us that there would be a bed in the ward after the ICU and that one of us could stay the night with you. That was not the case. There was a cot and it was not very comfortable. We decided not to sleep in the hospital, especially since there was another baby and mother and father that were in the same room. We had no idea how long you would be there and we needed to remain in good health for you and Alex.

The nurse in the ICU had told us that they were asking us to do a marathon, not a sprint and it was so important to stay healthy. We would be no good to you if our health deteriorated. I was also seeing a coach/spiritual therapist since I conceived you. Karen was really helping me through this process and also told me that this was for the long hall and that I needed to take care of myself.

I would have my sessions with Karen in the car each week. It was the beginning of winter and we had a pretty early cold snap and snow storm. I would go in the car, turn on the heat and talk to her for an hour just so that I could remain centered. This really helped me stay positive and grounded during the entire process. It also allowed me to process my emotions and connect with my feelings. All I wanted to do was numb myself after the initial shock wore off. I was so afraid of feeling what I needed to feel. But I knew that numbing myself or suppressing my emotions would not be good for you, me, Alex, daddy, or anything I wanted to create in my life.

Emotions and feelings are the messages we give out to the universe of what we want to attract and magnetize in our lives. If I held onto or suppressed my emotions, I would be creating from a place of lower level emotions and would attract more of the same. There were moments when I hated that I knew this information, because it would have been so much easier to just disconnect and suppress my emotions. My old MO was to eat chocolate compulsively, drink way too much caffeine, or even go shopping. Choosing to be present with this experience, with the help and guidance of Karen was not easy, but I did grow and expand because of it. Having someone to talk to was critical for me during this time. That is why I am so proud to be a coach, because I know the difference my coaches make in my life.

All the nurses in both the ICU and the new ward fell in love with you. I almost had to fight with one of the nurses just to hold you because she didn’t want to stop. You have that something special about you. Both my boys do.

Daddy and grandmamma ended up making up so she started to come see you in the hospital at night after work, because we went home to tuck Alex into bed.

On December 8th you had your cords from the pacemaker taken out as well as your pick line. At that point you only had the feeding tube. Yay. No more IVs or tubes. Another milestone.

That day was a fantastic day. Not only did you get the rest of the tubes and IVs taken out, we had a special visit from the Montreal Canadians. As you recall from the story earlier, we told Frank that the next day we may see Carrie Price. Well talk about the power of intention. It wasn’t the next day, but it was four days later and Carrie Price was leaning over your tiny little body. You received their pictures and autographs.

Halpern, Benoit Pouliot & Maxim LaPierre

Carey Price, & Spacek

Text message to Frank: Carey Price, Maxim, Benoit Pouliot, Spacek and Halpern just visited Maxim.

Email sent to everyone:
Hi all,
I am forwarding you a picture of little Maxim and some of the Montreal Canadians (hockey team). Five of the professional hockey players came to the hospital today. One of them, Maxim LaPierre was a real hottie:) (Yes, I know it is nice to see I have not changed). The other one that you can't see very well in this picture (Jeff Halpern) was so cute, until he smiled. The guy had no teeth!!!! I felt like Pheobe on Friends in the episode where Ross was playing Rugby. She said "Ohhh. I kind of liked it."

This made our already amazing day. Maxim had his pick line taken out as well as his lines for the pace maker. The only tube he has left is the feeding tube and he will have that for another month. They don't want him to drink his milk entirely by the bottle, because he has to work too hard to digest that way. So until he gets some meat on his bones he will do both bottle feeding and what the French call "gavage".

He is supposed to be coming home in the afternoon on Friday for a weekend visit. We will have to take him back to the hospital on Monday so they can see if he is still gaining weight. If we get the thumbs up, he will then come home for good. Wooooooooo Hoooooooo!!!!

Love you all,
Christy

Isabelle also came that day to give us the information on your discharge. It was really clear that you were going home on Friday (just two days away). We were flying high from all the great news that we experienced that day.

The day we were told about your “other” surgery.

Daddy and I split shifts and I would drive at 4:30-5:00am so I could be with you in the morning. Daddy would then come in the afternoon and stay until 7pm when grandmamma or Valerie would relieve him.

On December 9th, the next day after the wonderful day we had, I arrived at the hospital by myself early in the morning. I was enjoying every moment with you. Kissing you, helping you with your pacifier, feeding you. The surgeon and her team came in to do their rounds and dropped a bomb on me. While the nurse was doing your blood pressure they noticed that it was different from the leg and the arm. They tried it several times. They were speaking in French, and because daddy was not there, I had no clue what was happening.

Then all of a sudden Dr. Vobecky said to me in a very non-chalant way as if she was telling me they were going to take your blood pressure, “So he will have to have another surgery.”

I don’t think I heard her correctly. I thought she was talking about the surgery you just had. I asked her to repeat herself and she said, “With the results of the blood pressure this morning we have to go in and do another surgery.” She asked me if I understood, I shook my head very slowly and in a insecure way, and then she left the room.

I was leaning over one side of your crib, while the nurse was on the other side taking your blood pressure. The look on my face must have been total shock, because the nurse asked me, “Are you okay?”

“No. I think I am in shock. Did she say he has to have another surgery?”

“Yes.”

“What? Why?”

She could not explain it to me, because she was the nurse and also because she spoke very minimal English.

I felt so lost and helpless. The shock was coming back again.

I immediately called your daddy to come as quick as he could. While he was trying to get Francine to come to the house earlier and get on the road, they decided to take you in for tests.

Text message to Dawn, Rebecca and Evelyn: I am so upset. The doc says Max needs another surgery. I am in the dark because Fred is not here to translate what this means, why or when, uggg.

While you were in the ICU they did several tests on you, but we never had to see it. Whenever there was a procedure or testing being done, all the parents had to leave the room. Now that you were in the other ward, I needed to come with you and watch you go through the testing. I couldn’t believe how hard this was to watch.

The next thing I know some man came into your room to wheel your crib away. When you were in ICU you were in a plexy glass box. Daddy and I saw these large cribs in the hallways and we joked that it was for monkeys. Here you were in one and being wheeled for tests. Once again, I followed behind your body.

I was so emotional that my eyes were constantly filled with tears. During this whole time you were in the hospital, I was so discrete. Whenever I needed to cry I would go into a bathroom where no one would see me. Because whenever I cry my nose lights up like Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, I was not fooling anyone. But this day, I did not care who saw. I was just so upset. You were coming home tomorrow. Now you had to have another surgery? WHAT?

The emotions I was feeling ranged from disappointment to shock to anger back to disappointment. Then I moved to frustration, total disbelief, complete sadness. I then was in total disbelief. I felt so powerless in this situation. Then I was completely numb and couldn’t feel anything other than tears flowing down my face.

I mean we were almost there. That meant I could have my entire family together again. The past three weeks I was divided between you and Alex. When I was with you at the hospital and I was with you, I was in heaven, but then I could feel so pulled to go home and be with Alex. When I was laughing and enjoying Alex with his Elmo DVD, I would feel pulled towards you.

As the man wheeled you through the cardiatric halls of the hospital he finally stopped and I was told to wait until they came and got us.

The first test was the echo. I had to put your small little body on the long bed as they did an ultrasound of your heart to see where they would need to do the surgery. I just caressed your head with tears streaming down my face. The lady doing the test did not speak any English and I was just in shock and so angry. The staff at the hospital must have been trained in how to make the most annoying sounds while giving a baby an exam. She was making clicking noises at you to try to get your attention. It was just adding to my frustration and anxiety. There was nothing calming about it.

The walls of the room had the princesses from the Disney movies. I walked you around the room showing you Cinderella, Snow White, Bella and Arielle.

They then motioned to me to wait back in the hallway until the next test. There was a rocking chair and I was able to hold you in my arms and comfort you until you fell asleep. While you were sleeping I saw a mother playing with her year old baby. She was putting a plastic cup on her head and it would fall off. The baby would laugh hysterically. This made me smile and then laugh out loud. Nurses were coming out of exam rooms to watch this baby. It was infectious. There is nothing like the sound of a babies laugh to raise your spirits.

I used to put in the videos of you and Alex in my newsletters, because the laughter makes others laugh. When you laugh you raise your vibration and feel good. You then attract to you other things that make you feel good with the Law of Attraction.

The laughter of the baby helped me raise my vibration and change my perspective even for a few moments. It was like a ray of sunshine in my very dark day.

The entire time I was in the hallway I was watching the clock and trying to figure out when daddy would be at the hospital. It was so hard going through this alone and I just wanted him with me.

Just when I was feeling a little better it was time for your next test. The EKG. I had to put you on another bed and the woman started to put all these stickers on you with it seemed like hundreds of wires. You started to cry and it just broke my heart. I still had tears streaming down my face. And this new nurse was making the same annoying sounds as the other nurse. I would later laugh at this, but during this time I was just getting more and more annoyed.

I wasn’t sure what all of these tests meant, but I knew one thing. I wanted my family back together again. The WHOLE family, loving and respecting one another. I want all of us coming from love and light. I wanted all of us to put our guards down and just love one another. I want everyone respectful and honoring the other person’s choices even when we don’t agree with them.

Back to the day at hand . . .

They brought us back into the hall way and we were supposed to wait for someone to come and take your bed back to your room. I was so upset and we waited and waited. I was really in such a dark space. It was like I was holding all of my energy for this marathon knowing that the end was so close. Then just when I am at the finish line, someone tells me I have a few more miles to go. I really did not know where I was going to get the strength or energy to see this through.

I saw Heidi in the hall and asked her to come and talk with me when she had a chance.

I was so tired of waiting for someone that I just started to wheel your crib back to your room.

Daddy finally arrived at the hospital and he was amazing. He was in complete acceptance. I was in total resistance to what was happening.

The surgeon came in and gave us the news that it would either be a surgery where they would go in the side (so now you would have two major scars) or it would be a procedure with a catheter. They told us it would be this coming weekend or Monday for either the surgery or procedure.

Daddy and I were trying to determine what would be the best scenario for you so we could put out our intentions and hope and pray for that. We honestly couldn’t figure out which one would be better. With the procedure we would have to take you back. With the surgery it would be over, but it would be a lot more severe. We were glad that we did not have to make the decision, but the team of very capable doctors would make it for us.

They had to do an x-ray on you. Only one person could go in the room with you. After the day I already had I was so relieved that daddy was there to go in with you. Heidi ended up walking with us to the x-ray room. I sat out in the hallway talking with her. It really did help, even though I was just so stuck on wanting you to come home.

I spoke with Karen in one of my sessions about approving and accepting. I would never approve of what was happening with you, but I could accept it. This day there was no way I was accepting the fact that you were not coming home.

As I was leaving the hospital I called your grandpa and I just vented my frustrations to him. “He was supposed to come home tomorrow and now he has to have another surgery.” He told me that they were there to support me. I immediately cut him off and told him, “I don’t need support. I need to have my f-ing son home.”

I also called Dawn and vented to her. I was so angry. The ride home was not pleasant. I would get upset at any car that got in my way. I was a mad woman that day (figuratively and literally).

Text message to everyone: One step forward and 2 steps back. Max has to have another surgery because one of his arteries is not flowing enough. Not sure when but back 2 ICU etc. This bites!

The rest of the day was a total blank for me. I went home and when I got home I asked Francine if she could stay with me and Alex. I just wanted to numb out. I was in no position to be alone and take care of Alex. I needed support. I went up stairs to take a shower and just cried and cried. I really didn’t know how much more of this I could take. Even though it was you going through all of this, it was still our experience as well.

12/10
Daddy dropped me off in front of the hospital because the parking was full. I went upstairs to your room right away. Isabelle met me in the room and you were not there. You were getting tests done on the first floor of the hospital. She was trying to describe to me how to go and meet up with you. Again, she did not speak English well and I did not speak French well. She was looking like a mime trying to motion to me. It was like we were playing cherades “first floor” down the hall way was said “premier floor” and all the way back. I had no idea what she was talking about. She even asked another nurse how to say “all the way down the hall”. By the time she got back to me it turned into “back all the way.” I had no idea how to find you. I just opted to stay in your room and wait for you.

Yesterday when I was alone at the hospital they did the tests on you. That was bad enough seeing them to these tests on you. Today they had to do a brain scan for the seizures that they thought you had. They brought daddy and I into a small room and put you on this long bed. They started to put crème on your head and started to attach electrodes to you. All the while, everything was being said in French. The language barrier had been tough at times, and on this particular day, I was fed up. I had to leave the room. Hearing you cry through this was breaking my heart. You were so small and I just couldn’t watch or even hear this anymore.

I decided after a little bit to go back into the testing room and give you your suis (pacifier). You were crying like crazy. They were doing this EEG on you. I immediately took you in my arms and you fell asleep. They were flashing light at you that almost made me have a seizure. It was horrible.

Thank God for the Ellen DeGeneres show. Each patient had a remote control which had the speakers on the remote. I was able to watch Ellen and she made me laugh.

Even though Ellen made me laugh, I was still having a really hard day and was in so much resistance to you having this procedure. The worst of it was waiting for them to tell us when it would be or what it would be, because that would determine how much longer you were staying in the hospital. Whether it was a surgery or procedure would also determine how long you would stay. My focus was only to get you home healthy, but to get you home soon.

12/11 Saturday
We received news when we came to see you. The part of your heart valve that was narrow wasn’t on the rounded part. So it would be a very easy surgery. They still were not sure if they wanted to do a surgery or a procedure. With the surgery it would be done and that would be it. It would still be a surgery so anesthesiology, intubated, ICU, recovery. They were saying five days max. They were now telling us Wednesday or Thursday of that next week. The procedure they would go in with a catheter to widen it, but you would have to come back in 6 months. We didn’t know what would be better or worse. The team of doctors where going to tell us on Monday what they determined would be the best approach. It was good news, because it wasn’t as complicated as they thought it would be initially.

The worst part was not knowing when you would be coming home.

This was such a rollercoaster ride. I just wanted you back home and healthy before Christmas. I wanted to go back to my “normal”, happy life. I was in such resistance and just wanted this entire experience to just be over.

While you were sleeping, daddy and I were discussing the five stages of loss. And even though you were still alive and we had our little boy, for me it felt like a loss in many ways. I had lost a month with you as an infant. Those months go by so fast and yours was spent in a hospital. I also started to lose my breast milk.

Because I was not able to breast feed you anymore, the pumping was not producing a lot of milk, because I did not have the stimulation from you. Even when you were to come home, we still had to ensure that you were getting at least 2 oz of milk every three hours, because you really needed to gain a lot of weight. You were at your birth weight of 7 pounds a two months of age (almost three at this point). So they wanted us to use for formula then the normal amount called for to beef you up a bit. I could still use the breast-milk, but again I could not actually feed you without knowing how much you were getting.

I really started feeling sorry for myself. I went into a major pity party and how I was losing so much because of this experience. I had to make a decision instead of playing the victim to all of this. I could continue to pump and pump even if I only received an ounce until you were able to breast feed again. Or I could just accept that my milk was going away and be okay with the decision that I did not want to continue pumping because it was much more stress on me. I decided that I gave you a good 2 months of solid breast feeding, and at least three weeks of pumping.

One of the final stages of loss is acceptance. I was having a hard time accepting this last stage of the process. I had a session with my coach/therapist and it was on the entire topic of approval and acceptance. This was not an easy concept for me. At least not in your situation.

Sunday 12/12 I took today off because I just couldn’t go to the hospital for another day. I had gotten knocked off with all the energy that I lost my own footing. I had to come back to myself, spend time in my own energy and be with Alex. If I was expected to go another week, I needed to rest. I also had to take responsibility of the energy that was to come into this space. Daddy and I held the space of miracle energy for so long. After you were taken out of the ICU that is when the energy started to shift. Yesterday was the worst for me. My energy was no where in there anymore and I was lost. I couldn’t come home to my energy because I had not been there to set the space either. I really did feel torn, because my energy was separated all over the place. I had to get back in alignment before going through and facing another week. In order for me to be good for my husband and my boys I needed to take care of myself.

This is a concept and Rebecca (your Godmother) and I have been talking to women about for years; self-love and self-care. I had to take my own advice, especially in this situation where I could not find myself.

I had a great talk with Rebecca while Alex was asleep and I was reminded of the most important thing to bring me back into my power:

I am so powerful and I set the energy of what I want in my life. I lost it in my business, I lost in my house hold and I lost it at the hospital. I was lost. I am reclaiming it in my business. I am reclaiming it in the hospital. And I am reclaiming it in my house.

I also had a session with Karen on this particular day.

My big lesson is that I had a picture of what needed to happen. You were on your way to feeling great and then the bomb of another surgery knocked me off for days. I had never felt so depressed in my life. I felt completely lost. I was acting like a small child not getting her way “I just want my boys all together in one room.” That is all I was focused on and because it was not the reality I was throwing fits. I had such a hard time accepting this and it was leading me to feeling so sad, angry, frustrated and totally disconnected. When I just started to accept, not approve of what was happening with you that is when I stopped being so negative and depressed. It was not easy, but I had to keep repeating “It is what it is.” I was trying to come up with all the answers as to why this happened. I was trying to control the manifestation of the experience instead of influencing. It was a good lesson in humility that I don’t control the universe.

I realized that this entire situation was calling for the warrior in me to come out. Your daddy and I met at a conference called Enlightened Warrior. I think that happened for a really good reason. That week helped us prepare for this situation.

Meeting your daddy.

I realized that this story was never written out, so I thought it would be a good time to tell you how we met.

Your daddy lived in Montreal, Canada. I lived in Philadelphia, PA. The conference was in Ellenville, NY.

The first night of the conference was on a Sunday night. I remember seeing your daddy and thinking, “Wow. He is hot.” I also noticed him talking with a tall, thin Chinese woman with long, straight dark hair. She was really pretty. They seemed to be together so I had no hopes of anything happening with him. I wasn’t there to meet anyone anyways, but I did have a strong desire to meet the man of my dreams and had a premonition that I was going to meet him this week.

We had to do an introduction of ourselves and your daddy stood up and said his name and he did it with such strength and power. I remember thinking “that is the kind of man I want to be with; powerful and strong.”

The next day was the first official day of the retreat. I had started hanging out with two guys, Heath and Kevin. They were from the area and were really fun. We drove along with two other people in the car to the first event. We were discussing working out and being in shape.

When we got to the first event, it was a hike. They wanted us to rate ourselves on beginner, intermediate or advanced. I stood in the intermediate and Heath and Kevin stood in the advanced. They couldn’t believe with the level of fitness that I had that I would be in the line that I chose. They almost pulled me into the advanced line. When I got into the line, I had no idea who was around me.

The instructor asked us to pair up and find a partner. The next thing I know, your daddy wearing a baseball cap, turned to me and asked me to be his partner. I was so excited. I said very casually, “Yes.” In my head, I was thinking “Oh hell yes!”

We had to do an amazing challenge, and during the challenge we had to remain silent. That did not work too well for your mom (which is why seeing you on the operating table was such a shock that I couldn’t speak) Your grandpapa used to try give me a quarter if I could stop talking for one minute. After ten seconds I would ask him, “Is the minute up yet? I was with the hot guy and he wanted to talk, so we did. We kept getting yelled at by the instructors “Essential Silence.” And then we continued to talk. It was bigger than me.

Your daddy made it VERY clear that the woman he was with was his “business partner.” So the door was wide open.

There was a man that was also from Montreal that was paired up with Kevin. Daddy and him started talking about buying and selling houses. He had a house to sell, and daddy wanted to buy a house. He started asking him the selling price and details about the house for sale. I did not know your daddy for an hour and I heard myself say “No. Wait for me.” It shocked me to hear that inside my own head.

I really loved his energy and really enjoyed his conversation. I thought he was so funny too. We were literally in the middle of a forest, surrounded by trees. I happened to look up and saw a red leaf on a tree. I pointed up and said to daddy “Look at that leaf.” And he said in such a sarcastic tone, “Which one?” It made me laugh.

I later found out that day that he was French. I had not been around a lot of French speaking people before this trip. There were several people that were from Montreal and had very heavy accents. Your dad spoke English perfectly without an accent. When he told me he spoke French I did not believe him. I asked him to say something in French and he said, “Voule Vous cuche avex mua ces sua.” I knew what that meant and still was not convinced that he could speak French.

The next day we had another challenge that really took us both beyond our limits. It was because of this day that I was able to realize the strength that I really had. This came in handy when you had to have your last procedure. I thought of this day and reflected on if I could make it through that challenge, I can make it through this day.

During this challenge the instructors asked us to think of someone that we would die for. At the time I had people in my life that I deeply cared for, but no one that would evoke that type of passion. Sitting at home writing this story made me realize that I now do have three amazing men in my life that I would do anything for.

The power of intention and desire is so great. I remember feeling during the challenge, that I want people in my life that had the deep meaning. They would the most important people to me and I would put myself in danger to help them. Four years later I had daddy, Alex and you. And once again, I was reminded of how I need to be that warrior, because I need to go the distance for you my precious son.

This was my life, but it was also your experience and I needed to be there to support you during your journey. When you become a conscious parent, your life really is not just about you anymore. Sometimes there are things that you don’t feel like doing, but you need to do these things to care for your children. Spending time at the hospital for even another week was one of those things.

It was the same day of the challenge that got me in touch with my Goddess at a very deep level. I had been doing Goddess work with Rebecca for over a decade, but this challenge really opened up a great healing for me.

Later that day after the challenge was over, I was walking through the hall of the hotel going back to my room. Your daddy was walking towards me and said “There is the Goddess.” I just said “Hi”. I was about to pass out because I was so attracted and touched by him.

Again later that night at dinner I sat with your daddy and his “business partner.” They were talking about who was going to take a shower first. That totally threw me off. We all had roomates, but that was just weird to me. So I thought, “they must be more than business partners.” I was disappointed, but again I was not there to meet someone. I was there for me and my empowerment. I just thought that door was closed (again).

Later that night we did a group activity and went from person to person in a circle saying a mantra. When I got to your daddy, he said “Now I am with the right partner.” Again I was so excited, but then totally confused. Was he with this woman or not?

I was getting attention from a couple of other men at the event. Men love Goddess energy and I was running it big time. I did not have any attraction towards these other men. I was really clear when I was single the type of man that I wanted. I thought about all the things I did not want in a man based on my old past relationships. This helped me get really clear about what I did not want, and then changed it to what I wanted instead. I wrote out a scroll of all the qualities that I wanted in a partner and was very clear that I would rather be with myself than settle for a man that did not fit these traits. Your daddy did, at least what I knew of him at that point. These other men did not come close.

I finally asked him about the relationship between him and Anna (daddy’s business partner) and he told me they were just business partners, but they had been together in the past. They were in a five year relationship when they decided to start their business together. He assured me that there was nothing between them. They joined these programs to help them in their business. They just shared a room so they wouldn’t’ have to share with strangers.

There was hope again.

Each morning we did yoga and dance. This particular morning the women were to get on one side of the room and the men on the other. We were to dance in the center and over to the other side of the room. By some amazing chance (law of attraction) your daddy ended up right in front of me and when we were in front of each other, we started to dance together. We got so into each other, the music and harmonizing with one another that when I finally looked up from this vortex of energy that we were dancing in, all the women were on the other side of the room, and the men were on the other side. WE were alone in the middle of the room. All eyes were on us. Daddy was celebrated when he got back to the men’s side and the women were asking me “how did you do that?”

People were coming up to us and asking us how long we had been together. Several people thought we were married. Other people were trying to get us together, giving us sales pitches on why we should be together because of the obvious chemistry that we had.

The couple of guys that were interested in me were trying extra hard to get my attention after that dance with your daddy. I was not interested in them.

The next day we had to take a walk to another event called a sweat lodge. We had to pair up and hold hands. Your daddy and I immediately sought each other out. The minute he touched my hand, something happened to me. I felt an amazing connection and blending with him. The sweat lodge was an emotional and very spiritual experience for me. I remember looking at your daddy in the lodge and thinking “I am in love with this man. I have never even kissed him and I am in love with him.”

Later that day he asked me to take a walk with him after the seminar ended. These days and nights were crazy. We were only getting a few hours of sleep. Yoga started at 6am and the event was ending at 11pm or 12 am. I didn’t care. A walk alone with him sounded so great.

After the event ended that night we walked outside. It was an old hotel, something from the 50’s. It was in a very wooded area with lots of trees and walkways. We decided to sit on a very large rock. That was one of the most romantic moments of my life.

We both came towards one another and before we actually kissed we had our lips really close and started to feel each other’s breath. I could feel your dad trembling in my arms. And then he kissed me. Without going into too much detail . . . it was the most amazing kiss ever. My stomach was full of butterflies and kept turning over and over because I was so attracted to this man.

We stayed up kissing and talking until about 2am that morning. Because of the adrenaline of being in love, waking up at 5:30 am was not a big deal.

I saw him the next morning at yoga and I couldn’t wait to be with him again.

That next day we did another event and I was in a different group, so I didn’t see him much that day. But at night I picked him to catch me while I did a fire walk. This was the end of the conference. Everyone was leaving the next day.

After the fire walk celebration we went on another walk. This time we walked to my convertible Audi and we went into the back seat like two high school kids. I felt so safe in his arms.

I told him that my roommate was leaving at 8am in the morning. He showed up to my room at 8:15am. We didn’t do a lot of talking. After he left, I fell to my knees and started to cry. I didn’t feel sad because he lived in a different country than me. I didn’t feel worried when I was going to see him again. I didn’t think about how this would work out. I just felt so grateful that I had this time with him. It was so magical and I would never forget the experience.

As I was leaving the parking lot and driving off in my car, he walked in front of my car and planted the biggest kiss on my lips. There was a song playing on the radio that we were kissing to the night before. I haven’t heard the song again, but I remember the words were “I will be there for you.” As the song was playing on the radio, he showed up and kissed me. It was so amazing.

An hour on the road your daddy called me. The next day he asked to come and see me in PA. Two weeks later he came and visited me and we had the most wonderful time together.

We would see each other every two weeks by him coming to PA, me going to Montreal, or meeting half way in the middle.

I then decided to go full time into my coaching business and leave PA and move to Montreal. The rest is history. (add in how we got engaged and that whole story, that was good!)

What we both received from that conference was how to tap into our power and strength. We were asked to use strength that we did not know we even had. Your hospital situation was a reminder of that, which I realized on my day off from the hospital.

I really wanted to just numb out, but I also remembered that if I closed off from the lower level emotions that I was afraid to feel, I would also close myself off from truly experiencing great joy and abundance. Whenever you shut off your emotions, you shut all of them off, even the good ones.

Even knowing all of that, it was really difficult for me to fully feel my emotions. I was so afraid of feeling compassion for myself, because I had mistaken compassion for self-pity. I wanted to be so strong for you, Alex and daddy. I wanted to be strong for my students that were watching to see how I handled this situation. I wanted to be strong so that everyone else would have hope and feel better. But, I did not truly honor myself, because I would not let myself feel compassion.

I was reading through a magazine and there was a sign that said “If you are going through hell . . . keep going.” Winston Churchill. Wow. That really hit home with me. That is how I felt.

The next day I returned to the hospital and felt a little refreshed from my break. But something did shift within me. I had withdrawn, because it was so painful to be in this situation. I just walked in with the attitude that I had to “pull it all together”. It was time to face the other procedure or surgery, depending on what they decided was best for you.

Daddy woke up with a major revelation for his life. Even though he was able to take time off during your time in the hospital, he decided that he was not going to return to work at the company, but he was going to take advantage of the paternal leave that the government offerered. He applied and was approved to be off of work for 34 weeks. This would mean he would not have to return to work until August (it was December).

He decided that he wanted to win at life. No more mediocrity for him and his work space. He really created an amazing life outside of his career space, and wanted this area of his life to be like the rest of it. That really awakened something within him. Having you go through what you went through made him take a long hard look at what was not working for him.

Your Second Procedure
The team of doctors decided that since your coartation was not on a place that was round but straight that they would try the least invasive route and that would be the procedure. This was good news, because you would just stay one night in ICU and then would be able to come home.

12/15 Your Last Procedure . . . again we thought

This time daddy and I had to take you into the waiting room where they would come and get you for the surgery. We watched as other young children were waiting in their hospital beds to be taken to their surgeries/procedures.

I saw the faces of these other parents that were concerned about their children, and I could not connect with them and join in the energy of compassion, because I was just so closed off. Even though the energy of love and compassion transcends words, I made the excuse that I could not connect with other mothers because of the language barrier.

The doctors came and talk to us and told us what to expect from the procedure. They were going to take a catheter and go through your artery in your leg to expand the valve that goes into your heart. Then the nurse took your little tiny body in her arms. I had to sit for a minute and I just started to cry. I knew you would be just fine. It was nothing like your surgery. I was just still upset that you had to have anything else done.

Your procedure was a few hours. Daddy and I went to lunch at Baton Rouge. We had a really great talk. We talked about daddy’s revelation to win at life. I felt very connected to daddy and very hopeful about you and your procedure. That lunch shifted something with in me. That I couldn’t explain at the time, but later found out the bond and depth that my relationship with your dad had reached.
When we went back to the hospital, they had you in ICU and I was able to hold you. You did great. We left for the night to spend a little time with Alex before he went to bed. We were in the middle of a snowstorm and it took us over two hours to get home. It was -10 degrees centigrade. It was cold!

12/16 Alex turned 19 months old. We went to the hospital and sat around and waited for news of when your procedure would be. I just kept saying I wanted you to go home.
We waited and waited for your doctor to come and give us some news. You had another echo today and the cardiologist that did your procedure on Tuesday said you did really well. If it was up to him you would be going home today, but it was up to Dr. Vobeky (the surgeon).
I think the worst was waiting for news. I was going crazy waiting for the news. I was going crazy waiting for the news that you would be coming home. Tomorrow is your 3 month birthday and I wanted nothing but bringing you home. I envisioned us putting you in your car seat and driving home with you. I imagined Alex’s face when he saw you again after a month of being in the hospital.
You breastfed for the second time in a month today. I was only allowed to do it for five minutes.

The next day you were back in your room and you were awake and really aware. You were grabbing my finger and smiling at daddy and I. All the nurses were just crazy about you. You could see a wisdom in your eyes and a strength for going through what you did.

On Friday, December 17 (3 months old)
we went to the hospital and we received the news that we could take you home. We had to see the surgeon, the hospital administrator, the nutritionist, the pharmacist, and then we could go home. One by one they came into your room to let us know what we needed to do. I couldn’t pack up your things fast enough. As we were walking down the hallway of the hospital to leave with you in your car seat, I just wept because I was so happy. You went home today. My family would soon be all together again.

Text message to all: We are on our way home. With Max!

It was a bit overwhelming, because even though you were coming home and we were so happy, we now were your caregivers again. It was like having a new born all over, but with even more care and attention that had to be given to your formula and your medication. You had to take Vitamin D, Phenobaritol for your “seizures”, lasix, and Tylenol. You also had to be woken up every three hours so you could eat. Getting weight on you was a big priority.

We had to go back in two weeks and they would check on how things were going. If things were not going well (you were not gaining weight, breathing better, etc.) then they would have to keep you in the hospital again. We just wanted you home with us.

When we brought you home Alex and Nanna were there. We did not tell Nana that you were coming home, because we wanted to surprise her. She was so excited. Alex was too. This was the Friday before Christmas and she had gifts for both of you. We opened up your gifts and then she went home. She took a week off during the Christmas time.

It was such a relief to have you back home. There were moments where I would just look at you, Alex and daddy and feel like the most abundant woman on earth. I really allowed in the appreciation for having all my men back in one room. It was surreal.

We had to bring you back in January for a follow up appointment and all the tests started all over again. This time they were happy with what they found. The procedure had held and you were doing great.

Our next appointment would be in a couple of weeks so they could check your brain scans again to see if you still needed to take the medication. That was also a success. We were able to start weening you off the phenobaritol.

You also had your heart test and we were there all day. It was Friday the 28th It was at the end of the day and your cardiologist was taking forever to come and give us the exam results. We thought that everything was great, just like your last check up and we started to get impatient. Daddy went to go get the car. Right when he left, Dr. Mero came to see me and dropped another bomb. You would have to have another procedure, because the coartition came back.

We were both in shock again. We both really thought everything was fine. Again . . .shock! We were kind of getting used to it.

I explained to him that we were going to Arizona to visit family on the 18th of February. He said we needed to wait a week before you could fly and they would schedule the procedure right away.

I told daddy on the way home, this is my intention: I want to find out today when the surgery or procedure will be, and what you are actually having done. I wanted it to happen soon so you can get it over with and recover again so we can take our family trips.” I was applying the power of intention.

Later that day they called and said you were going in on Monday and that you would just be having the procedure instead of the surgery. My intention came true.

They did just that. On that Monday we needed to bring you back in for the procedure and one night stay in the hospital.

My other intention was that you would do extremely well, everything goes perfectly, and you spend only one night at the hospital and back home on Tuesday.
I was just asking daddy how I should end this story to you, and I still needed more info. So the story continues . . .

The big lesson that I learned many times in my life, and even deeper now. It is so easy to feel abundant when you have your outer reality showing you evidence of it. Life is a give and take, ebb and flow, change and expansion. It is the times where you don’t have the evidence that the inner work really needs to happen, focus has to be inward and in the space of connection regardless if things in your life show differently.
So having you home and happy, it is easy to be connected to love and joy. And we were. But when we got the news of another procedure, we left that connection, vortex, set-point. And we focused on what was the problem and not the solution. Thank you for this lesson because you taught us where we needed to grow stronger in our ability to be a deliberate creator and stay connected. The love and joy is still there inside of us even though you are in the hospital lying on a bed, having a procedure done. We are human, yes. So we can’t beat ourselves up for those slips, but can we become stronger with this awareness. Yes, and we did.
I chose staying in my heart and connection to joy, love however you describe THAT feeling) regardless of what happens with you or Alex now or in the future.

Something hit me this time around. I really reached a place of acceptance and detachment. I really felt that whatever you had to have done to make your heart 100% healthy, that was what was important. Whether I liked it or not, it was your body, your creation and I was there to support you. I also got very clear, as did your dad, this was no longer going to take us away from our joy.

We were no longer going to use the excuse of your healing process to take us out of our vortex. I felt a peace come over me. I just enjoyed being with you in the hospital and just kissed you as much as I possibly could. You were so affectionate and would just love any kisses I gave you. You soaked it up.

It then hit me that I could see why you as a spirit would create this situation. You and Alex were very close in age (16 months). And Alex, like you, has that special something about him. But he commands a lot of attention. He is the life of the party and makes sure that all eyes are on him. I intuitively felt that you created this so you could get both daddy and me alone and get your “share” of the attention.

We started talking to you about choices that you have in your life. We told you about being in well-being and it is up to you to choose if you will vibrate in that space. We were going to support you as your parents as best as we could, but we were very clear that our vision was to have two happy and healthy children. We were both healthy and happy adults, and wanted this to be our reality.

Once again we brought you home.

You came home just 8 days before Christmas. It was the best Christmas present we could have.
We now just needed to focus on loving you and having you gain weight. We had to get up in the middle of the night to make sure you were eating so you would put on the proper weight.

Daddy was able to stay home with us because he took the leave of absence from work. It was great having his help, especially because Nana took that week off.

We took our Arizona trip, which had some nice moments, but for the most part, would be referred to as “The Trip From Hell.” I got sick. Alex got sick. Daddy got sick. I got better. Alex got better. Daddy got better. Then I got sick. Alex got sick. Grandpapa got sick. Again, there were moments that were enjoyable.

We did realize how great we had it in Canada. A quick trip to the Urgent Care with Alex cost $150 for a ten minute visit. Everything you had been through was taken care of 100%.

You were just happy through the entire experience. You would just smile and light up the room.

We had your baptism on the last day that we were in Arizona. When the minister took the rose to your heart, both daddy and I got choked up because of all that you had been through. We were reminded as parents that we have two jobs. First is to love you. Second was to teach you. And we couldn’t teach you without first loving you. I think as parents we did a great job of both loving you and Alex and teaching you and Alex. We also are humble enough to realize that you are both our teachers.
I was really learning to open up and feel my feelings, but your situation really cracked my heat wide open. Having you go through this experience really was open heart surgery for me on an energetic level. Supressing and withdrawling from my feelings was not working for me and in order to truly be the Goddess and loving mother that I wanted to be I need to open up and be present with my emotions.

Your Uncle Ron wrote this song and sang it at your baptism. It made the day.
(Insert the song)

We had your follow up appointment in March and this time they were very happy with the results. We would not have to go back for two more months, which was great news. I sang to you while we were at the hospital, and that would just mesmerize you. You were the only person on the planet that enjoyed my singing. Either that, or you were in total shock that someone could actually create those notes.

I wondered many times how to end this story. And then I realized that I needed to be a deliberate creator and decided how the story would end. What I wanted to see as a vision for my family. So here was my vision;

I envision you as a healthy and happy baby, child, adolescent and young adult. I imagine all the trips and adventures that we took as a family. I enjoyed watching the bond between you and Alex as you both grew up. The two Gobeil boys bonded and connected. We enjoyed taking you both to DisneyLand, Sea World, and many Caribbean islands. We loved watching you play in the ocean. We enjoyed watching you play sports and riding your bikes. I enjoyed finding the two stars named Maxim and Alexander. We enjoyed laughing with you and Alex. We just loved knowing that you were so empowered and connected to your well-being. We celebrated both of you each day as you were growing up and held the feelings of gratitude in our hearts that you both chose us as parents. We were present for each day of your life and cherished every smile that you gave us. We witnessed your first tooth come in your mouth, your first attempt at crawling, and your first steps. WE enjoyed hearing your voice as you spoke your first word “mama” (Alex said “dada” first so I always hold the vision that you say mama).

We grew and continued to grow really close as a family, enjoying each other’s company. We watched you both stand in your power as a creator and create abundance, joy, success and happiness in your own lives.

We stand proud watching you create the career that gives you freedom, abundance and a sense of purpose and passion. We enjoy watching you tap into your abundance and create amazing and outrageous experiences. We love the fact that you are always safe, protected and watched over by all the angels and guides that are here for you.
We are so happy that you have a support system of conscious and loving friends. And that your connection to yourself and Source is a priority for you and your life.

We witnessed you creating your life’s purpose and passion. And we are so proud of who you are. Thank you for the joy you bring to our lives.

Your daddy and I continued to grow and expand in our own personal development and as a loving couple. I stepped in at an even deeper level to my Empowered Feminine. I allowed myself to be present with myself and my feelings. I watched your dad create the greatness that he decided he wanted on that one day. He was winning at life as he said he wanted to on that special day. After it all, we were still very much in love and anyone could see it by the look we gave each other, the way we spoke to each other, and the way we touched each other. We were each other’s biggest cheerleader and support system.

At the end of it all, there is only love. You showed us that on so many levels. Your wisdom that comes through your eyes and the vibration of love that comes from your body taught me each and every day what was important. What was real. What was true. I can’t thank you enough for everything that you have brought to me. Thank you for choosing me as your mom. I feel so blessed to have taken on that assignment.

You are a precious being.

Always remember . . .
You are free
You are powerful
You are good
You are love
You have value
You have purpose
All is truly well.

I love you, my precious baby boy.
 
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