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Sometimes I forget that life is supposed to be beautiful and fun. I have a habit of getting busy and focusing on all the pain, suffering, and sadness around me. I let my mind settle on the habit of lack and I go into fear of not being good enough. Not being good looking enough, wealthy, or successful enough; not being or having enough. When I remind myself that these thoughts are simply addictive habits brought about through my subconscious beliefs I become conscious again and break out of the hypnotic consumerism that we live in. I actually thank these crazy unhappy thoughts as I know they are simply the way that my subconscious mind knows how to feel safe. There is a feeling of comfort and security in the self-inflicted violent thoughts that wreak havoc on my serenity and when I acknowledge them for what they are, simply my subconscious minds way of feeling secure in familiar circumstances, then I can truly let them go.
When I became healthy a few years ago and my body no longer was in great amounts of pain I caught myself feeling wonderful and not knowing what to do with myself or how to be as a healthy person. For years I was in pain and struggling with all kinds of health issues and I had to learn how to be in the world pain free. It was weird. For about six months I caught myself wanting to be sick. Crazy as that sounds to my logical mind it was exactly what I felt. It was scary being healthy again. There was a comfort and familiarity in being sick. People expected less from me when I was sick. I got attention and even sympathy for being sick and I had a great excuse for not being as successful as I wanted to be. Often it was a positive experience being the victim.
Right now, I’m being reminded of how good life can be; I’m being reminded to focus on what I want and to not focus on what I don’t want. I’m looking at my short-comings and simply accepting them without judgment. Sometimes I forget that my true nature is to be happy, joyous, and free – just as I was when I came into this world (pain and all). Sometimes I forget how wonderful life really is and how this world can be Heaven or it can be Hell. Sometimes I forget to see the beauty that is inherent in everything. And, in this moment I’m reminding myself to see it!
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